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atlanta-braves-the-movie | February | 2008 Articles

2008 Archives

Atlanta Braves: The Movie

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Based on a True Story Keyed off a comment from the last thread, where Malone suggested that Brian Cox should play Bobby Cox in a movie about the Braves and asked who'd play Chipper, Schuerholz, and Roger McDowell, I was starting to think about filling out the cast around the diamond. Here are my choices. Management: Bobby Cox - Brian Cox (I think this is a BRILLIANT idea, Malone) Roger McDowell - Robert Downey, Jr. John Schuerholz - Christopher Plummer Frank Wren - Christopher Guest Players: Brian McCann - Josh Lucas Kelly Johnson - Josh Duhamel Jeff Francoeur - Joshua Jackson Yunel Escobar - Elijah Kelley Chipper Jones - Matthew McConaughey Matt Diaz - Jack Black Josh Anderson - DJ Qualls Brandon Jones - Rob Brown Omar Infante - Omar Gooding Scott Thorman - Rick Moranis Javy Lopez - Antonio Sabato Jr. Tyler Yates - Jake Busey Peter Moylan - Hugo Weaving Rafael Soriano - Derek Luke Tom Glavine - Thomas Jane Mike Hampton - Michael Rooker Chuck James - Tim Blake Nelson Tim Hudson - Scott Caan John Smoltz - Josh Brolin Here's my rough idea of the plot: under cover of night in early March, and unbeknownst to the Braves, John Rocker breaks into the home clubhouse at Turner Field and rubs all the lockers with the cream and the clear. Once the season starts, the Braves start failing drug tests and get increasingly worried because no one has any idea of why. Chuck James notices a strand of long hair in his locker, and takes it to his home laboratory to analyze. Several weeks later, he announces the findings in a postgame press conference after a start in which he gave up 3 runs in 5 2/3 innings: the hair belonged to John Rocker, and it was coated with the clear and also showed traces of an unknown designer hormone. Eventually, it turns out that Rocker, in his quest to return to the majors from the Long Island Ducks, turned to increasingly unstable PEDs, until finally ingesting one from an evil scientist (played by Bob Hoskins) seeking to take over the world by mind-controlling its jocks. It's up to the Atlanta Braves to defeat his plan, reclaim their good name, and win the division, all before the end of September. Who do you guys think should play our boys of summer in the next summer blockbuster?
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