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jason_heyward_facts | May | 2009 Articles

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Jason Heyward Facts

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heywardfacts.jpgI forgot what this feels like. The sun on my brow, a song in my heart, a W next to one of our guys and an L next to one of theirs.

Our last win was May 1, but this hasn't felt like a winning team in a very long time. A four-game losing streak felt like 40, mostly because we're 7-14 in our last 21 games and haven't been above .500 since April 25.

One of Kelly's patented slumps hit with a couple of Yunel's worst weeks of baseball on all sides of the ball, hacking, grounding into double plays, getting thrown out stealing and running into outs. Brian McCann went to the DL with eye problems. Kenshin Kawakami has had a rude introduction to the National League, losing 4 straight decisions and pitching 5 innings or fewer in each of his last 3 starts.

In short, it's been a long spring. But a win's a win's a win. We have a game in about a half hour, but in honor of yesterday's win, allow me to suggest, in the tradition of Chuck Norris Facts and Cole Hamels Facts: Jason Heyward Facts.


* Jason Heyward doesn't get injured. He just doesn't want the doctors to get lonely.

* Jason Heyward fell to the 14th pick in the draft because he wanted to play in Atlanta, so he destroyed all possible realities in which he got selected earlier.

* Jason Heyward is a time-traveler from the future. First he taught Candy Cummings the curveball. Then he showed the world how to hit it.

* In Terminator: Salvation, humanity's salvation is actually Jason Heyward.

* Jason Heyward's parents went to Dartmouth and grew up in America, both of which Jason Heyward previously founded while time-traveling.

* Jason Heyward proofread "The Star-Spangled Banner" and made Francis Scott Key add the line about "The Home of the Brave."

* Jason Heyward doesn't actually hit fastballs. They'd rather fly in the other direction than face his mighty swing.

* Derek Lowe signed with the Braves so he wouldn't have to face Jason Heyward. That's the same reason C.C. Sabathia switched leagues.


From Jason's number-1 fan, JD Stuart:

* The New York Mets are so terrified of Jason Heyward that the mention of his name causes Jose Reyes to pee David Wright's pants.

* Jeff Francoeur is Jason Heyward's joke on the citizens of Atlanta. He will make it up to them.
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