As you've probably noticed, the Braves have been busy the past few days doing something that vaguely resembles playing baseball. In that time, I've been doing my best to search for a hint of good times that you just don't get from momentous occasions like losing a game 3-1 to the freaking Pirates. During this quest, I thought back to something I remembered from the very beginning of the season: Eric Hinske's back tattoo. Have you not had the privilege of witnessing it? Have you already, and do you want to see it again? Of course you do. So, regard:
Chill boxers, bro.
That bit of art ran Mr. Hinske a cool five grand, which if you can think of a better way to spend that kind of change than by covering your back with...dragons and a deformed Jackie Chan fighting said dragons in the jungle*, well, I don't believe you. So ANYWAY, I was thinking about that tattoo, and then I thought to myself I thought hey self, let's you and me figure out what tattoos other Braves players should get!
*Dunno if that's correct. If you think you've a better explanation, you probably do.
Those are the kind of thoughts that keep you going in really boring classes.
So I started making a list, and here's what I came up with.
Jason Heyward: A Nike swoosh with a halo around it.
Heyward affirmed his love for Nike on Twitter last night, saying that he's 'Nike head to toe.' Well, what better way to prove it than by inking it in there? And I think we can all agree that the halo is appropriate for a defensively gifted 21 year old outfielder with a 138 wRC+ that's going up after tonight's performance. Plus, you could call it Holy Nike. Like 'Holy Schnike!'. Eh? Eh? Ah, forget it.
Derek Lowe: The I Am Rich app button.
I don't know if you've heard of the I Am Rich app, but it got released two years ago. It cost $999.99, and all it did was display a glowing red button accompanied by the text "I am rich. I deserv [sic] it. I am good, healthy & successful." Eight people bought it before Apple removed it from the App Store. Anyway, the correlation here is that the Braves spent $48MM on Lowe and received roughly the same amount of productivity. Harsh but fair, y'all.
Kenshin Kawakami: Japanese character for 'misunderstood.'
Mostly because it's a classic convention of the obnoxious tattoo crowd to go with Japanese characters, but partly because Kenshin could make sure that it actually comes out right. Which is important. But anyway, I went with 'misunderstood' because his ERA (5.11) this year has belied some pretty decent performance (4.24 FIP; 4.21 last year). The only difference between this year and last has been a BABIP that jumped thirty points from last season and a strand rate that dropped by 10%.
Omar Infante: The sheet music to 'Farmer in the Dell.'
Billy Wagner: A pickup truck driving into a sunset.
Because if there's one thing I am sure of with this Braves team, it's that Billy Wagner drives a pickup truck. I would wager a guaranteed World Series appearance on it. And Wags is dead set on retiring after this season, despite being as dominant as ever. Plus, I'd like the license plate to say '400SVS' because even if saves are essentially meaningless and Wagner doesn't care about the mark - and I suspect that he doesn't -, well, it's still kinda cool.
Chipper Jones: 'CJ10' on his left knee.
You know how you read about people who go and get surgery, and the surgeon does something hilarious like amputating the wrong leg? And so now they protect against that by having the doctor initial the proper leg, before all the fun, Nip/Tuck-esque stuff happens? Yeah, well, Chipper's had his left ACL operated on twice, now. So just to be sure, he should put the initials that adorn his batting gloves on that knee.
Matt Diaz: A map of Turner Field with an 'X' in left field.
I heard some broadcaster somewhere mention that Diaz's nickname is Magellan, because he needs a map to get to balls hit out to left. So he should get that map tattooed on the inside of his left wrist, like a quarterback's wristband.
Tommy Hanson: Eric Cartman from South Park with a bullseye on his forehead.
Hanson is, uh...well...he's kind of a ginger. And he doesn't appreciate Cartman's crusade against his kind. Ideally, it would also say something threatening, but I'm not as they say intimidating so threats aren't really my game.
Jair Jurrjens: A Dutch Oven with steam coming out.
This one was stolen entirely from Carson Cistulli. I'll just paste his explanation here.
"If I Had My Druthers
• Jair Jurrjens, a native of Curacao (in the Netherlands Antilles), would begin referring to his fastball as “The Dutch Oven” — owing, you know, to the heat that it provided.
• It would become such a fabulous pitch that announcers are absolutely forced to reference it, by name, on the air.
• I, along with droves of American teenagers, would L my A off."
Martin Prado: A vuvuzela.
A nod to R.J. Anderson's nickname for him, 'The Human Vuvuzela.' It's especially apropos because I actually enjoyed the vuvuzelas, much as I do Prado's play.
Peter Moylan: 'Thunder From Down Under,' on his right pec, with an arrow pointing down his arm.
Because how much classier could you get? And I'm sure Australian people never, ever, EVER tire of that reference.
Tim Hudson: Male pattern baldness.
Getting hair tattooed is actually a thing. Which I guess shouldn't surprise anyone, but...still. Anyway, I'm pushing for this because I'm sure some of you will recall the last great Braves starter who wasn't exactly follicularly gifted. Now, Hudson and Smoltz aren't similar, like, at all in how they pitch, but...would anyone here really object to Smoltz's presence, in some way, shape, or form? If pattern baldness is what I have to settle for, then so be it.
But that, of course, is all just a starting point. I mean, this is baseball; if teams are willing to get team mustaches (example), then we should be thinking big here because nothing is out of the realm of possibility. Let your minds wander and let us know what you can come up with back in those dark, twisted recesses.