Part 1: Exposition
Take a moment to be glad that I'm not riffing on 'scatty,' then briefly scold @cgros127 for using 'FWI', which is not an acronym for anything useful, then follow me to Part 2.
Part 2: Rememberance and Extrapolation
Rememberance: Y'all recall the TV show Doug? Not the awful version from ABC, but the one from Nickelodeon? I assume you do, because '90s nostalgia accounts for ... well, whatever percent of internet traffic isn't devoted to Netflix, porn, and making dumb comments (~22%). And if you do remember the show, then you might happen to have a few faint strands of the lyrics to this tune bouncing around in your grey matter ...
Extrapolation: Luis Durango brushes his hair with a cactus and wears a snake for a belt. This has nothing whatsoever to do with his being an effective baseball player; all I'm saying is that whatever hair remains on his head after the cactus brushing (you'll note Doug's sparse foliage up top) quickly falls out under the stress of repeated haranguing and death threats from PETA.
And I hope he wears a sturdy cup, because I can't say that's where I'd leave the fanged snake's head were I to tie it around my waist.
Part 3: Epilogue
Luis Durango is a latter-day Jose Constanza, and has finally ascended to the stage whereupon he will embrace his ultimate destiny in life: driving a wedge between Braves fans in exactly the same way as his spiritual predecessor did a scant few months ago.