This is quite the Hot Stove season for Braves fans, huh? It's not every year that you trade one player (Martin Prado) to all 29 other teams in baseball, plus a few minor league affiliates, for every guy over the age of 21 who's ever stepped foot in the outfield or on the dirt between second and third base. And Jair Jurrjens! In the course of just a few weeks, he became a 25-year old ace, then a mid-rotation starter of fair value to an injury-wrecked mess who wouldn't even fetch Martin Freaking Prado in a trade. And I'm pretty sure Tyler Pastornicky died, which is too bad.
Yes, folks, it's been a wild couple weeks of rosterbation, but one can hardly blame us fans for that, right? After all, the Braves are a team that was on the verge of playoff baseball last season, and are just a couple pieces away from being a legitimate World Series contender, and some of the marquee free agents are starting to sign, and GMs are bathing in scotch at the Winter Meetings and I'm pretty sure I read on Twitter that one guy (not to name names) loudly yelled to everyoen present that he'd be willing to hand over the contract of ... well, "Hoy Ralladay" (wink wink) if someone will JUST BRING HIM SOME GODDAMN BARBECUE AND A BIB and oh hey did you guys happen to notice that Peter Moylan and Nickelback took to chirping each other on Twitter the other day?
You probably did, since there's, like, literally nothing else newsworthy going on. The closest we've come to meaty stuff is that DOB is probably going to violently eviscerate (is there another way?) the next person who @s him on Twitter asking whether the Braves are going to make a run for Rollins, and while that's certainly a juicy scoop that we'll run with once it becomes reality, we're the kind of Serious Journalists who won't dare speculate
on something like that. So, take it away, Pete!
If you don't know, Chad is Chad Kroeger, the lead singer of the band that, despite being generic hard rock pablum writ large, is probably the most divisive cultural force in America. Relationships have been shattered by people finding out their friend/spouse/pet (somehow) enjoy Nickelback, and given that they've sold more records than all but ten bands over the last decade, that's a lot of broken hearts. Such is life when Canadians get involved.
And so but the story does not end there. Chad Kroeger, ladies and gents, is an international rock star, and he'll be damned if he's going to take that chirp lying down. Clear the way, everyone: Big Bad Chad is comin' through!
Ok, so three points here. First, as Moylan himself said, he is, by definition, watching Kimbrel from either the bench or TV since one cannot have two pitchers on the mound at the same time. Frankly, I thought that rule would've held up the CBA negotiations for months on end, but I guess I'll just keep dreaming. Second, the two have gone on to tweet that it was merely chirping and not a sign of a real Twitter war, which I would think was plainly obvious, but whatever.
Third, though ... the judges (me) are scoring that as a win by decision for Nickelback (or whomever runs their Twitter). And that, obviously, cannot stand. So let's hear it, commenters: whom should Moylan go after next? @ChrisBrown
is a good target, but he's also a loose cannon with an army of rabid supporters (for reasons that escape me, but that's not a discussion for here). One incisive Rihanna comment could very well set Moylan under the knife again, except less in the nice, sterile, surgical way than the motel bathroom way. Plus, @JennyJohnsonHi5 has that beat covered pretty well. There's always @KimKardashian
, who's good choice, since lord knows weddings take a long time to plan, and she's been single for an awfully long time by now. My personal favorite choice is @DarrenRovell
, whose unique brand of earnest idiocy, self-promotion and incessant interest in business minutiae overrides any inkling of common sense in his brain.
But since we all need something to latch onto, what say you, commenters? Who in the Twitterverse is ripe for some Braves beef oh god that was awful look just share your choices in the comments and we can get back to holding hands and lighting candles, praying for something interesting to happen.